Greatra Mayana

Career & Employment Opportunities

Dominique Mas – The Confidence to Start Anew

What people know about me… is that I’m smiley, I’m confident, I’m a happy, glass half full, positive type of person… I tend to take risks and make things happen. What a lot of people don’t know about me is that when I’m about to take a stage or lead a workshop, I question myself. I wonder how I actually got there. I must have been lucky… What a lot of people don’t know about me is that when I consider whether I want to put on an event I have to really really dig deep into
myself to get the courage to actually do it. What a lot of people don’t know about me is that I suffer from impostor syndrome. Big time. “I was in the right place at the right
time.” “I had connections.” “If I can do it,
anyone can do it.” “I knew somebody, they introduced me.” “I had an in.” If you ever
said of that any of those things, put your hand up for me. Yeah, thank you.
Two things: number one, thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone. And number two: Welcome to Impostor Syndrome!
And here’s the thing and I know it’s not a super popular idea but I love it when people
tell me they suffer from impostor syndrome. Including for myself! And the reason why that is is that it tells
me that they’re a high performer. It tells me that there’s someone who’s
prepared to put themselves in a situation where they think they don’t
belong. It tells me that they’re prepared to get uncomfortable so that they can
actually grow. It tells me that they’re always seeking to change and that’s what
it means to get yourself out of your comfort zone. And your comfort zone is a
fantastic place to rest but it’s not a place to live. So here’s the thing: impostor
syndrome is going to happen. Right? To all of us. Let’s see how we can cope with it
and then get on with our lives. So I want to give you a few tips to think
about how you can cope with it. First of all: make a list of your strengths and
your skills. You might do one of these DISC assessments or strengths based leadership assessment or GALLUP. One of those things.
Highlight all the things that tell you something about yourself and keep going
back to it. You’ll see all the skills that you’ve learned in the past and your
past counts when you’re in a career transition. Everyone thinks oh I’m
starting anew. You’re not. Right? you’ve got a career of 10 years of 15 years behind
you. that doesn’t count for nothing. The second
thing you can do is list your achievements. Do that every single day. I have a little
book by my bed it sits near my pillow and every day I write something in there
and it’s a small win sometimes. It doesn’t matter it’s an achievement. Sometimes it’s simply today I took 20 minutes to do yoga. WIN! Right? Write your
achievements and write also small wins and celebrate. Oh I have a great story about
this. My very very first workshop back two years ago, I cold emailed a whole
bunch of people. One person got back to me. She paid me 150 dollars to do a 1 hour workshop at a college. And I was so ecstatic, that week my boyfriend and I went to celebrate – we had a meal that cost 200
bucks We celebrated that win, I tell you it was
my first money that I was making from that job. Look at your losses. Celebrate
the lessons. They’re not losses. We all know it. A failure is not a failure. I
don’t need to expand on this one. Jackie mentioned the importance of finding
community. Not any community. Find two types of people: the people who are going
through the same thing as you are because your partners or friends, they
don’t really want to hear about it. So find the people who are going through the same thing and find the
people who have been through it. Find some role models, find some examples. There’s a
whole room full of people that you can connect with in a bit that will help you
get through this. The next thing I’ll say is and we talked about this someone
mentioned success earlier. What does that mean to you? Is
it making a whole bunch of money? Or is it being happy and aligned with yourself?
What does success mean to you? Spend some time thinking about that. This is a
massive one. Examine your relationship with money and its impact on your impostor syndrome. Does your worth come from how much money you’re bringing in? Because if that’s the case you can stop it right now. Go back to your strengths,
go back to your achievements, go back to all those things. Those are what makes your worth. Right? Not how much money you’re bringing in at the beginning. And last but not least, stop
comparing how you feel on the inside with what people show on the outside.
When I first started, especially when I started coaching and part of a wonderful
wonderful community of people. It’s a community of women called Dreamers and Doers, and I know that some of you are also a part of it. It’s a beautiful community
it has a lot of coaches in it and I saw their posts and I was like “oh my God, they
are so far ahead of me, I have so much to learn… and then I started talking to people and
I realized that they thought the same of me! And it just made me think okay, okay, I have to think about “What am I doing?
What’s going on inside of me?” With that I’m going to remind you that impostor syndrome is going to happen. How you cope with it, how you approach it is really what counts.
So my best advice for you is this: as soon as you can start feeling it, you’ll
notice it, you’ll learn to recognize it from all these things that we said. Use one of those strategies that we just talked about and get on with your day! So now that we know how to deal with impostor syndrome, I want really start thinking about the confidence to start anew. First things first: courage comes first, confidence comes second. Confidence is a result, not a requirement. I remember two years ago or
just over two years ago when I was leaving my job and I was so emotional. It
was my last day at school I was saying bye to fantastic people I’d been working working with, kids I really loved – I’d seen them grow.
It was the first job I’d had in the city. They brought me here and paid for me to
move to the United States. I was so emotional. But the truth is: I was going to turn 40, I was gonna have no regular income, living in New York freakin’ city and I had a very very vague idea of what I actually wanted to do with myself. I was terrified. But I did it. Courage comes first confidence comes second. Confidence is a result, not a requirement.
and so I looked back and with hindsight I think about the process that I went
through and I noticed that there were phrases to it.
I started talking to people, started doing interviews and getting really
interested in that process. I interviewed over 40 people on their transition and realized okay
we all go through the same things and so what I want to do today is really
go through that process with you so that you at least know what you’re
dealing with. And you’ll probably find yourself in different stages of that
process. The first one being exploration. Exploration is 100% counterintuitive
for anyone who is driven by outcomes by achievement. Hello high performers! Right? It’s horrible. It creates so much anxiety because we have no idea what’s going on.
And when there’s curiosity, when there’s discovery, there’s nothing to achieve. There’s only a learning process. One day, I’m at home… Might have been crying on the bed, alone for over 30 minutes when Mark my boyfriend comes in and I was trying to hide it and
I couldn’t and he saw that I was crying. So he came and he held me and he said “Dom, what’s going on?”
Remember those words that were here? I said “I feel like a failure, I’m not making any money, I’ve been at this for over a year, I’m not going anywhere, I’m
scattered and I have no idea why the hell I’m doing this. I wanna give it up
and I wanna find a full-time job that gives me money. And he just held me and said it’s gonna be okay and we sat there. I’m not kidding for about 30 minutes. He sat in
silence and after a while he said “Dom, I love you, and I really want to support you. but I really need to pee. I had the same reaction as you. I laughed. And it allowed me to get out of my head. Because that’s the thing you’re going to get in your head. You’re going to think you’re a failure, you’re gonna think that you’re not going anywhere. The truth is while you’re going through that
exploration process, you’re actually starting to gather all the little pieces
that are gonna form you bigger picture when you’re ready to see it.
So that exploration process that’s 100% counterintuitive is actually
necessary. That anxiety is your old behavior pattern coming back trying
to find the one thing, right? Trying to find that achievement. My best advice for
you if you’re in this stage of exploration is this: Find a way to have financial
stability. You’re gonna have your cash projects and you’re gonna have your
sexy projects. Your cash projects are going to be anything that gives you
money. Some people… I know someone who got a job waiting tables, you might dog
walk… for me I used to tutor some of the kids I used to teach at school. You might
have a part-time job whatever it is – but you don’t want to be spending your
energy trying to find money. You wanna spend your energy having time to do that unrestricted expiration, taking classes, starting new projects, talking
to people – gathering all the different inspiration stimulation from lots of
different sources. So find your cash projects so that you can handle sexy
projects and before you know it, actually might be after you know it because sometimes it takes a long time! You’ll start start moving into that second step of defining what it is you want
to do. There’s a great quote by Steve jobs. I’m sure some of you
have heard it but he says that “you can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can
only connect the dots looking backwards. So you have to trust that somehow the dots will connect in your future.” And I go back to that word “trust” because when I did my interviews,
that’s the one word that came back all the time. I asked people: “What helped you get through that
anxiety even when you were exploring when you were trying things out?” and they
said “I trusted that I was meant to do more”. I didn’t know what “more” meant but knew it. I trusted that I was capable of doing it. That’s that’s one of the keys. I didn’t
know how I was going to do it but I trusted that I was capable of doing it. So that word “trust” just has so much importance so with the definition stage are I
remember the exact day that this happened for me. I was on the phone with one of my
coaches. She said “Dom, what’s going on?” you sound really overwhelmed today what’s going on? Story of my life! I said, “you know, I’m a few things”. And she said “What are you working on?” My one on one coaching, my group coaching program, I’m thinking about writing a book, I’m doing some videos, I’m thinking about starting an online course and she said: “STOP!” “stop it, stop it, stop it – write everything down.” So
just that process if you’re in there and you think “I have so many projects I want to do”, write everything down. So I did that and when we finished our call I went
through the list and I said okay what is it that gives me energy, what fuels me out of these projects? And what is it that drains my energy? The drains, I let go of. It’s not easy
because… Jackie talked about this: you’ve invested money, you’ve invested time, you’ve invested energy you have to make those decisions. So I let go of all the drains
and then looked all the things that actually gave me energy and I
started to go a little deeper into them. Unbeknownst to me I was actually starting
to define my vision. I didn’t want to bark at people anymore when they asked me
what do you want to do next? I DON’T KNOW!!! Now, I want to work on these projects, that’s what I’m doing. So it’s going to take a little while but suddenly you’re gonna
realize… oh… when I was in that exploration stage I
met the right people, I had the right insights got the right ideas… all those things that
are actually going to bring you to your next step. You’re defining where you want to go, you’re defining who you want to be. My best advice for you is this: when you’re in that stage of exploration, have a notebook or whatever it is you take notes
on and write down each time you start a project: what is it that you love about it? What really fuels you about it? How does it really fit in with your values? With what you stand for? With
what you believe in? How does it carry you forward? Or maybe even what do you not like about it? So that you know “I don’t
want to bring this into my next step”. Think about “What can I… What
elements – what little pieces of this project are really important to me and I want to keep having? You’re going to start slowly slowly seeing that big picture form. I chose this picture because I like to think it’s
like one of those detective maps. You know the big ones with little the pins and the threads? So suddenly you notice “this, this, this and this”! And BOOM! You start to understand okay… that’s what’s where I’m going. Once you know where you you’re going – when you start to know where you’re going (I don’t know if we ever really actually know), you can
start to embody this new identity. You can start to really step into
this new person you’re becoming. I have one more story for you about this.
This was… I think three weeks ago… A professor from my Masters (I did that in
Hong Kong) messaged me on LinkedIn. And we have not spoken since I finished my masters six
years ago. It was an masters in educational leadership. We had not been in
touched at all. So I get this message from him and he says “Dom, I’m so excited for you I’m so proud to see what you’re doing now. I love that you become an expert at
coaching, I see that you’re speaking at the International Coach Federation
and it’s really awesome and I’d love to see how we can showcase your work to the
graduating class this year. My first thought? Oh… he’s just being nice. And I thought “okay, reframe… impostor syndrome! So I came back to and I was like “ok, put the facts in front of you, woman!” This man has not spoken to you in six
years. Why exactly would he email you and say “blah blah blah” to be nice? He has
no reason to be nice! He’s doing this because he’s seen the work what you’ve done and he values your work. So I responded “Darren, I would be delighted to showcase
my work to the graduating class of this year.” And it was a moment
for me to truly embody who I’ve been. And so when you’ve been through this exploration and
this definition what you’ve done is you’ve actually gained the skills, the
attitudes, all the knowledge that you need in order to step into that next
step. Essentially you’ve built a whole lot of confidence. You’re now ready and now that you know where you’re
going. It’s time to rise and shine and it’s time to let the world know exactly what it is you want to do next. So when you introduce yourself to new people, introduce yourself with that new identity. Oh – this
is me, this is what I do. When you introduce or reintroduce yourself to
people you know, leave no room for mistake. Show that confidence: this is
what I do now. This is who I am. Some people will mock you and some people will think you’re arrogant because that’s going to happen, right? People are not always nice. Some people will ask “Who are you to reinvent yourself? You – every single one of you is the person who is willing to sit in the discomfort and the fear, and doubt and uncertainty so that you can create the life that you want to live. You’re
the person who is sitting in this room on Saturday morning, finally drinking kombucha! finally doing this because you’re ready
to step into your new identity. That’s who you are. So those people who are mocking you? Chances are they’re thinking “I wish I could do this.”.
I can guarantee you – in our panelists you’ll hear it later… Anyone who has changed their career has told me everyone around me warned me and then they were saying “I wish I could do what you’re doing.” If they mock you, if they’re arrogant… Whatever. You’re that person sitting in
the chair right now who is actually doing the work. I’m still working on this and I can probably say that a few of our panelists are too. Sorry guys! new beginnings our process, they’re the
result of a deep transformation. They’re messy, they’re untidy because they’re a human experience. They’re not going to happen like this. They’re not a single outcome. So if you wanna rise and shine and truly step up to your potential,
you can not cheat that process. YouI have to take the time
and I can’t give you a timeline. I can’t tell you it’s going to take that much
time because it’s different from person to person.
What we’re doing is going from all the things we talked about earlier for
successL going from external validation to internal alignment. That’s
going to be very different for each of you, for each of us. The idea is
Will you be ready to step into that process? And I guess that’s the last question I have
for you. “Do you want to simply change your job and go to a new job or do you
want to create a life that’s truly fulfilling, that allows you to have a deep
impact on the world? And I have no doubt that if you’re sitting in this chair today it’s
because you’re in the second part of that question. And I for one cannot wait to
see where it’s going to take you.

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