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If You’re Worried You Invest in a Relationship Too Quickly, Watch This… (Matthew Hussey)


There is a comment that
I read an awful lot in our community from women who say, “Matt, my problem is
that I invest too much too soon.” “My emotions get the better of me.” “I get carried away,
and because I really like someone” “I give a lot in the beginning.” It’s a tricky situation, even philosophically. You have the people who say, “If you’re feeling it,
just go with it.” “If you really like someone,
and it feels great,” “and you’re in love,
and… whatever,” “just go for it.” And then there’s this other
group of people over here that say, “No, no, no…
If you over-invest.” “If you give too much,” “then you’re gonna ruin it.” “You need to hold
a piece of yourself back.” “You need to slow it down.” You’ve got people telling you
to do a whole bunch of things that don’t feel very
natural for you to do in those stages when you just wanna get carried away. It’s fun to get carried away. It’s romantic to get carried away. I fear that one of the inadvertent side effects
of what we have been doing in this organization over the last ten years is that I’ve turned some people into over-analyzers. I’ve made them think so much about a guy’s every move, and about their every move that they’ve almost become too logical, and they think too much, and that’s never been my intention. My intention has
always been to support romance, to increase that sense of
fun, of joy in dating and relationships, to create more of a sense of freedom, not to stifle people with a bunch of ya know,
rules and principles, and things that they have to do,
or worry about all the time. I know that in my own life
I wouldn’t wanna be with someone where I was crazy about them, and wanted more and more of them,
but they were constantly holding back, because even
though they were crazy about me they were worried
that if they gave too much, then all of a sudden I would run away. I wouldn’t want someone who
was in their head thinking about it so much, but then where does everything
we talk about here on this channel come in? Let’s imagine for a moment
that there is a difference between emotion and logic. Emotion is you just doing what feels good, what feels right, and logic is that voice in your head that is telling you what you should do in order to get the result you want. So that this isn’t so abstract,
let’s take a couple of examples. Example one Your emotion is telling you to just spend as much time as possible
with this person that’s in your life right now, that you’re newly into,
and you really, really wanna be around. So you try to spend
every hour of the day with them. Any time you have free time,
it’s all dedicated to them. You don’t ever wanna leave their side. Now, that’s wonderful. [Laughter] How wonderful to have
someone that you feel that way about, and who feels that way about you, but the thing that’s
important for both people to realize is that time spent apart is
actually important for the romance to thrive. Esther Perel talks about
the difference between love and desire. Love is when two people are together. Desire is created in
the space between people, but when we’re away from each other
we allow desire to start to grow and flourish so that when we come back
we have all of that energy pent up that we now give to each other. So emotion would say, “Don’t separate.” “I found this person I really like.” “Do not spend
anytime away from them now.” Logic is the little
voice in our head that says, “Hey…” “It would actually be a good idea if” “you guys had a night apart tonight.” Or, “If you went and did

some stuff on your own today,” “and then came back
together tonight or tomorrow.” It doesn’t have to be a ton of time apart, but just enough for desire to flourish again. So the way I like to think about
logic and emotion in this scenario is that logic isn’t the buzzkill that comes along to ruin your good time,
and tell you to hold back. I don’t want you to think of logic like that. I want you to think of logic as that little wing-woman in your mind that is actually showing
you how to make it even more fun, even more romantic, that is actually there to support your goal of having something
extraordinary with someone. Not to play games, but to drive you towards that thing
that feels so good right now. Logic wants you to extend this romance, to extend the emotion,
and it’s showing you how. Second example is when we’re early stage in a relationship, and especially if we really like someone, we wanna please them, right? We wanna do things
that will make them happy, and so we go into what I call,
‘partner-pleasing mode.’ It’s the same as people-pleasing,
but in a romantic relationship. We turn into a partner-pleaser. So someone says,
“What do you wanna eat tonight?” And you say, “Well… what do you wanna eat?” Ya know?
Because you just wanna please them, like, “Whatever you wanna do
is what I wanna do,” “because I wanna please you,
because I wanna make you happy.” “What do you wanna do today?” “Well… Whatever you wanna do.
What would you like to do?” We suddenly start
trying to find any way to please them. Now this in it’s best form
can be really attractive when we’re caring about
someone else’s experience of life, and we wanna make them happy. The problem is sometimes us never having an opinion, or never stating what we want as a person doesn’t make someone happy. It actually makes them
confused as to what we really want, as to who we really are as a person, as to how to make us happy. Right?
And also what it does is it starts to create a partner that isn’t now worrying
about our feelings or our emotions, but instead is always
doing what they wanna do so we wind up in a selfish relationship that we have created. We created this scenario where they learnt they never had
to worry about what we wanted. So again, logic is that
wing-woman in your mind that says, “Hey,
I know that it feels good right now” “to just do whatever they wanna do,” “because you wanna please them,” “but guess what?” “They also wanna know” “even if they’re not saying it” “what would make you happy.
They wanna know” “what you would like to eat tonight.” “They wanna know
where you would like to go today.” “They wanna know
what you would want to do this weekend,” “and by telling them that
you’re gonna create more respect” “from them towards you.” “You’re gonna make
your partner care more about you.” “You’re gonna show that you’re
a confident person who also has desires.” “That’s gonna be good for your relationship.” Logic is the
wing-woman that will tell you that. The third example is something I see a lot in early relationships, and I’ve done the same thing myself, it’s where you have
things that you like doing, maybe as a single
person you did them a lot. Whether it was a class, some training you were doing, building a skill set,
or even just your work, things that
you were working on in your career. Maybe even just friends and family. You get into a new relationship,
and all of a sudden… You don’t notice it at first,
it kinda happens unconsciously, but you start to erode the amount of time
that you spend doing those things every week. Now, some of this is natural, right? Some of this is just when you have a new relationship, when you have a great person in your life naturally you start to
give time to them that has to be… Has to come
from some other things, right? Something has to give, and I’m not one of those people who says, “You shouldn’t like, give up
anything in your life for a new relationship.” because I think that’s unrealistic, but what I worry about
is when that slippage goes too far, because again… What are our emotions telling us to do? Our emotions are saying, “The thing that’s validating
me the most right now in my life.” “The thing that is giving me the most joy.” “The thing that is this
wonderful new part of my identity” “is my relationship.” “It’s this new person
in my life and it feels so good.” Our emotions tell us to just now derive all
of our validation from this one source, but that’s really dangerous, because what that person was
attracted to in you, in the first place was the other things that made you, you. The interests, the hobbies, the passions you have… It was those things that
made you, you independently, and when we start
to lose all of those things, because we put a
hundred percent of our focus on taking our validation
from the new relationship. This person starts to… and they won’t tell you at first, because they won’t even
know what’s happening, but the more they see you
let go of other things in your life that make you a rounded, whole person the less they’ll start to be attracted, because those were the things
that really made you seem interesting, and dynamic, and unique. We must be careful
not to lose all of those things, and again logic is that little voice,
that wing-woman in your mind that will be telling you, “Hey, I know right now
it feels so good to take all of your validation” “from this person, but guess what?” “If you work on this thing over here…” “This project…
If you keep getting good at this skill.” “If you lose yourself in this passion,” “this person’s gonna see you doing that,” “and that’s gonna
get them attracted, because,” “or it’s gonna sustain attraction,
because what could be more attractive” “than someone in their element,” “doing things well,” “being a diverse person,” “being a rounded person
who’s interested in different things,” “or who has a passion for something
they’re building outside of their relationship?” That’s really a beautiful thing
that keeps our partner engaged. For all of those of you who are saying, “I invest too much too soon.” “I throw myself in,
and I always get burned.” Or whatever…
“I suffocate the relationship” “in the early stages.” We’re allowing
emotion to dictate everything, instead of controlling our emotions. One of the big reasons I built my Retreat was to help people
understand the relationship between emotion and logic in all areas of their life, because most people
are a slave to their emotions, and we have to
be the master of our emotions. Emotions are very powerful. They’re very, very important,
and necessary, and they’re the
greatest driver you’ll ever have, right? It’s not about removing emotion. It’s about understanding
how to wield emotion as a power, and the key to me to getting whatever you want in life, in any part of your life is to understand finally how to control and direct your emotions, instead of waking up each day at the mercy of whatever
emotions come into your mind that day. So I would love for you to actually properly learn this. This is a longer video right now, and it’s a longer video because there are some things
I can’t cram into two minutes, and this concept
that I’m talking about right now… I can’t even cram
into the length of this video. It’s something that… It takes me five days
to do over the process of my Retreat, or for the people
that do my at-home Retreat, it takes the same length of time;
they can just do it at their own pace, but it takes me a long time
to actually show people how to do this, but once you get it… It’s a powerful tool that
you’ll use everywhere in your life. I don’t care if you
come to me because you want… Finally to meet the love of your life, and have success in your love life. I don’t care if you come to me because your career isn’t where you want it to be, or your health isn’t where you want it to be, or your family dynamic
isn’t where you want it to be. The principles that make
someone successful are the same. Successful people, powerful people understand how to use logic and emotion together, and they take the right actions, because they know
how to actually direct their emotion to where they want it to go, instead of being at the mercy of it. All action comes from emotion. The only difference between people is some people know how to manage
their emotion to make it work for them, and other people work for their emotions. You have to decide
which one of those two people you wanna be. I hope you’ll come,
and learn about it with me. The Retreat program
is the best thing I’ve ever created. I would love for you to try it,
whether you come and do it with me live, or whether you do it at home
with my at-home Retreat version. You can do either, but I hope to see you there. I’m gonna leave a link right now. Click that link. Find out more about it for yourself, because I promise you, no matter how
many of these videos you watch… Until you understand this you will never be able to take
the action that is gonna change your life, because this is the holy grail. Learning how to do this is everything. Click the link.
I will see you on the inside, and thank you so much for watching. I can’t wait to see
what you think of this video.

100 Replies to “If You’re Worried You Invest in a Relationship Too Quickly, Watch This… (Matthew Hussey)”

  • I've met a wonderful man but he was upfront from the start that he is moving interstate in 3 months time to be near his 6yr old son as his ex and her new partner are moving to be near her family. I am finding it hard to invest all of me knowing that I may have my heart broken if I invest too much and he disappears in 3 months. I am holding back and it isn't a true representation of ME. I honestly don't know what to do. If I do go into "I'm in love girly mode", I'm worried that will make him run the other way, getting too involved when there is no future. Help!

  • my ex was over invested in our past relationship and with time i realised that she had no self confidence, very low valued person, but she didn't do anything to improve herself rather jumped into a new relationship. i feel so sorry for her i wish i could help her but she doesn't even have that brain to understand her situation.

  • Nah… I like my space.

    To see him once a week or 3 max is good.

    Being together too much at the beginning will wear you out pretty quickly if you're not careful.

    You need space to miss each other.

    Also it's nice to have the Chase keep going.

  • "you create a scenario when they don't worry about what you want" I do that all the time at the beginning cause when guys ask " but what do you want to do? " I always answer " Honestly I don't care as long as I'm with you". Should I stop saying that?

  • Great video! And I absolutely agree – Don't stop perusing the things that make up who you are because that's a big part of why that person might be with you – So continue to be you but grow, adapt and expand but don't give up being you.

  • Matthew, I'm binge watching your videos right now. They're amazing and you are such an inspiration! Thank you for the really insightful videos. I'll be applying your tips into my next relationship, which I actually feel pretty solid about because I know what I want and know what to do.

  • That giving time for desire to flourish thing is so true. I've had a couple of relationships where the man was just depending completely upon me for all his happiness and gratification in life. Obviously I felt smothered. I was an only child raised by a single mom and single grandmother and also had a single aunt in my life. This means I'm used to being a lot of people only love and it's a lot of pressure. It also means that I grew up with no people my own age and am used to having some alone time. I can love a man and be very devoted to him but I need him to have a life outside of me too. For his sanity and mine.

  • Actually, I’m done fantasizing of him physically since I found a better guy who fits my taste better then he is. The only problem is that ‘the push’ that I have from the higher realms, makes me feel guilty of just minding my own happiness. But I think if I feel suffering with him, how can I be happy and peaceful anyways? Right?

  • Well said! I feel like people who feel a lot are gems but it can also cause pain. This is great advice to deal with anxiety and depression too!

  • Everything is about balance no matter how much you’re attracted by him. U give if u want and enjoy being a giver. But if he is not reciprocating in the same pace u pause and observe. Let him miss u while u are doing your things but give quality conservation every time

  • Thank you Matthew Hussey for all your advice in these videos. I appreciate them and all I can learn from them. This one has opened my eyes to how I was in a past relationship. Look forward to seeing more of your content. Growing as a person and finding love. I needed this. 🙂

  • i found myself studying a narcsisist and caught him so i took a chance …. i am stronger now im melting him,,,,lol

  • guys are trying to date me im not ready,,they are on insta gram..or stuck in a cell pulling me to the text hell,,,,invested nothing….i like old fashion fun not cell hell zombies who want booty call
    ..

  • So what about if I guy makes a move on you on the first date what should I do about that I was scared to death

  • well he gave me a hug and then all of a sudden out of nowhere he started nibbling on my ears and then he kissed me so I was like oh gosh

  • I have listen for days your cute….Iam a divorced then widowed attractive sexy 67 women….I date younger men….no desire to be a nurse with a purse…..men in their fifties finally got it

  • Heyyy this makes sense!!! Im not balancing the two out and listening to others on to get the girl. If I can't get this right – then I'll stay single.

  • 6:43 women do that a lot!! I believe men too, but we need to keep drawing meaning from different things and people in our lives, not just and exclusively from the one person

  • I got bpd, every emotion i feel is like 10x more intense. Not that that’s an excuse but it does make controlling emotions a lot harder. I feel so blessed to come across your vids because you explain so clearly and simply how to break unhealthy habits.

  • Mathew you are just incredible , spot on! I just split from a 10 year relationship because he gave everythin up for me and he lives for that ''emotion' and my attraction for him eventually dissolved because he couldnt see it. I hope the time and space will show him he needs to have his own passions in life and be happy , we are still good friends i just hope he can find himself again soon.

  • What advice would you give to people who control their emotions a bit too much (complete other scenario where you’re almost at the mercy of your little voice inside your head), so much so that you’re always holding back while going on a date, over analysing every single move (with possible outcomes) before making it/or not ?

  • Damn that’s so me. Like I have to earn their affection. Like the way I had to earn my parents’ affection. Damn it

  • Spending entire weekends is too much. Damn. I had an ex who did that. Wrf. Every waking moment stuck together for a weekend.

  • If we only use logic in the beginning of a potentially good romantic relationship, it may be a " slightly mimic the Machiavellian thought process, aka a means to an end". People claim they hate games but sadly women need to hold back just enough to keep the man challenged. Men love a challenge. Being a woman who has been burned, I can safely say that men always desire a lady more so because they ALWAYS want something they do not or cannot have. It's human nature!

  • Wow such great-helpful tips ! I was confused my self but now eventually I will be on rich perfect track hope ! thankful

  • It's really good to understand how to recover yr interests and to not be at the mercy..all action comes from the emotional response..excellent work

  • I totally relate! Thanks ! When I start liking someone I totally get overwhelming by thinking about him, and I lose myself. Learning to control one’s emotions and keeping grounded is keey! Thanks

  • Sometimes I ask "what u wanna eat?" because I expect that it might be somwthing new but still pleasant to me. Or, sometimes I am afraid that a human will lie me saying "I want the same as you", so I want to hear their opinion first without giving a chance to lie 🤔 though it looks like a sort of controll from my side…

  • I got married in 2 months and then discovered I did not like the guy I discovered in the next 6 months. If I waited I would have not married him. Holding back is helping me to wait and see the true person.

  • Thank you Matthew.. That was the most insightful and empowering video. I always go into a relationship /friendship with my emotions at the wheel, especially as I'm getting older… I'm a huge people pleaser, and I care so much for others and their feelings.. and it's the combination of these things that allow my emotions to take over, and basically ensure the new person runs (screaming into the night lol)… Anyway, thank you again.. I really hope I can turn things round

  • My problem is I am a very emotional person and get attached very easily and at end get up being hurt and depressed…..so I am always scared to talk to any person and then become their friend and go with same cycle again

  • Matthew, you are fantastic, my friend! It took me some time to figure out how to teach this because I simply do this. I learnt how when I was 16 and I picked up my first personal growth book. I have now started teaching it and it's just fantastic what it does in people's lives!

  • How long is it too soon? And how long is too long? When should we invest too much in the relationship?

  • So telling women to stop acting like women… He is a very brave man to take on this career, but he has his way and charm to make women see his very valid points.

  • My international long distance relationship had this sort of emotional intelligence and it still feels more respectful than how the domestic ones ended up. Almost a decade alone Im still figuring out what it is from all of them that will make me dust off and come back full force, for sure its not about deceiving about being something Im not, and at this age of experience Im sure its clear for them too.

  • I think the key before jumping into a relationship is to find balance and alignment within ourselves, then we won't strugle with logic vs emotion because we would be doing with our new partner everything that would be guided by our own right intuition, where fear and confusion don't interfere. 😌🤪💙

  • i wish i listen to this 18 years ago…. i might have a different kind of relationship. But, it is never too late! Thanks, Matthew.

  • I've met a guy but he's abit younger then me .bit worried .he said he's going to a party next week .he's told me but hasn't invited ne so my heart has sunk but like you said early days I shouldn't ask if I can come .maybe he needs to miss me Yes maybe .what do you think ?? Let me know xx

  • When it comes to time apart, it happens naturally with my boyfriend and I as we both have full-time jobs, so we can't really see each other more than 2-3 times a week for dinner. We're still in the 'honeymoon phase', so my emotions definitely say we want to be glued together 24/7, but it's probably for the best that we're not.

  • So fast he'll be some kind of no joke. Sorry Rachel Rio Hernandez. He so quick it happened. 🖕🙈

  • "Be not the slave of your moods, but their master. But if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly or sorrowful, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer! Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another" -Abdul Baha

  • If you want to catch your spouse cheating on you kindly call +1 650 379 4369 or via WhatsApp +1 650 246 9893 to spy your cheating spouse phone and email less than an hour by the help of pro detective hacker.

  • Question: Why do some guys try to play the bait and switch game? (For example, making you think they are interested when they are just trying to pass you off to someone else)

  • So here is my opinion and it may have nothing to do with this video. I was married for 24 years and eventually you 'settle' and compromise most things you want for the vows and decisions you made in your 20's (in my case).

  • You just told me what I need to do. Thank you so much, matthew. Thnk God I came across this coz I'm in the brink of being too emotional towards this person.

  • You are right Mathew, it's amazing how wise you're turning by the mere fact of your work on relationships, observing, listening, paying attention. And it's true that this balance of emotion and logic is the golden key in every aspect of life: love, family, work, community, self, otherness. Thank you so much!

  • theMatthewhussey, I will one day tell u am completely fine with my ❤ heart. Right now I am realising my stand in life

  • Matt, you hit the nail right on the head! I did all the things you say in hear not to do. My husband told me he's not in love with me anymore. So now my marriage is ending but hopefully I will find myself again and also hopefully learn a lesson. You are helping me to get through this and I can't thank you enough. I am also going to therapy and doing things for myself.

  • Rest assured your points are supported by the concepts I’ve read from Laws of Seduction and 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. You’re saying the right things!

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