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“Rice is Rice” | Jo Koy : Live from Seattle


I’m half white and half Filipino, that’s what I am… Which means my dad was in the military That’s not even a joke… That’s real shit A lot of soldiers were fighting for this country My dad was dating I’m his Purple Heart My dad would say borderline racist shit to me when I was a kid Borderline racist shit But I knew he was joking… It’s my dad Just sitting at the dinner table like… You now why I married your mom, right? Why…? Cuz I love Chinese food… She’s Filipino dad… Whatever… Rice is rice… What the fuck?! Rice is rice! That’s so racist! I’m not knocking what my mom had To do to get to America she… Fuck it, that’s her hustle That was her hustle God bless you mom! You hooked up with a soldier, had a kid in America God bless you mom! She did what she had to do… She could have hooked up with a Filipino and had a kid in the Philippines… You know how much a… a comedian makes in the Philippines? A chicken and flip flops! Fuck that… Fuck that, I don’t even like flip flops My mom was the shit My mom and dad divorced when… When I was like 10… 11 years old My mom had to raise us on her own She did that shit on her own… Tough as shit Sometimes a little too tough Like it was borderline illegal, but… It sucked… She never took us to the doctor My mom never took us to the doctor… My mom raised us like we were still in the Philippines She tried to cure everything at home… Like a real Filipino woman You had to die to go to the hospital… Shit… My mom cured everything with Vicks Vapor Rub Vicks Vapor Rub! I should have died 9 times when I was a kid! That’s abuse! There was one time, I thought I had pneumonia I go mom, I think I have pneumonia She goes ‘I’ll put extra Bicks on your body, Josep’ Just rub it everywhere, Josep Rub it on da bottom of da foot… And den put a sock on da foot And den the pneumonia will come out of da foot, Josep I’m just smothered in fucking Vicks I should have called the cops… One time I was so sick, I swear to God… True story I go mom, I don’t feel good… I can’t sleep I can’t sleep mom My mom took a finger… And stuck it in Vicks And rubbed it on top of my top of my eyelids On top of my eyelids! That shit burned so bad I go mom! It burns!! I can’t open my eyes! My mom goes ‘Well then you can sleep…’ Good night Josep… She didn’t give a shit Mean She never hit us… My mom never hit us She just scared us a lot She loved to curse… And she used to… flex, like that She used to do that shit! She brought that to America! Anyone that does this shit… Aye, my mom started that shit She did it to all of us You know how embarrassing that is? To get punked by a 4 foot 8 Asian woman? At the fucking mall Get out of da God damn Poot Locker Get out of the Poot Locker! I’m not even in the Foot Locker!! I used to cry… I used to cry and tell my mom, I go Mom, when I have kids… I’m never gonna do what you do to me… To my kids And my mom looked at me… I swear to God She put her hand on my shoulder And she goes Josep… Promise me, ok? Never have kids…

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